Van Helsing

One part - Dracula. One part - Wolfman. Many parts - Frankenstein’s Monster. (Hold the Abbot and Costello.) Add a dash of Jeckyll and Hyde. Sprinkle in a hot chick with sword, sexy harpies, old castles, and interesting gadgets to give this film a steampunk aftertaste. Serve chilled. Your order of Van Helsing has arrived. Enjoy!

RATING: 5 out of 5

Our epic story opens in Transylvania and Dr. Victor Frankenstein uttering his now immortal proclamation! He has created his monster, and the townsfolk of Transylvania 6500 are not at all happy about it. Apart from the Doc being pleased over his breakthrough is one other fellow: his patron of science, Count Dracula. Yeah, you heard me right. The Count and his (1-2-3…) three brides (*thunder booms, lightning flashes* A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha…) are thrilled with Victor’s achievement. So happy, in fact, that they decide to proceed to the next phase of the experiment. “Wait a minute,” Victor asks, “What next phase?” There’s a scuffle, there’s a mad dash to a lonely windmill, there’s a fire, and there’s Dracula and “Vladimir’s Angels” all watching their dreams go up in smoke. Needless to say, they looked bummed…but we’re really not sure why…

Jump ahead one year. Paris. A prostitute lies dead in the streets. A masked man gives final rites to her before heading to Notre Dame Cathedral to settle the score. The prostitute’s killer is none other than Mr. Hyde (who has, apparently, disassociated himself from The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen) and the masked man (armed with gadgets that would give James Bond a chubby) is Gabriel Van Helsing. Van Helsing is a one-man army against anything that is going bump in the night, lurking under kid’s beds, and terrorizing unsuspecting virgins at summer camps; and yeah, he’s got The Man’s approval. No, not God…The Pope. You see, Gabe’s working for The Big V! The deal is this: Van Helsing rids the world of evil, and The Vatican helps him snap this memory block he’s got and find out his forgotten past. (Personally, I would have held out for paid vacations, benefits, and a time share in the Bahamas…but I digress…) His new assignment is to head out to this backwater country called Transylvania and help out this family of gypsies that made a pledge to God to kill Count Dracula before entering Heaven. The Vatican’s been keeping score, and so far….

Vlad’s Villains: 9
Transylavnia Gypsies: 0

The bases are loaded, it’s the bottom of the ninth, 2 outs, and it’s looking bleak on getting anyone home. Time to send in The Gabe as a designated hitter.

Van Helsing reaches Transylvania and finds out that this town is “Party Central” for all kinds of beasties. There’s the vampire, sure. We got that. But the boys back in Italy failed to mention the werewolf problem. Oh, and that Drac’s batty bitches are just that…harpies with attitude. And while Van Helsing is trying to help out the gypsy princess, Anna Cornacova Baklava Kickyouinthenuts Absolutelybadass Valerious, he discovers Dracula’s master plan for world domination…

…and something about the past that remains a mystery to him.

Something I seriously dig about Stephen Sommers: He’s honest as a director and a writer. In The Mummy Returns, Sommers dressed Brendan Fraiser in a leather jacket and Fedora as a response to critics of The Mummy that said Fraiser and Sommers were trying to be Indiana Jones. When he made The Scorpion King with WWF sensation, The Rock, over half the film included brawling or one-on-one fighting of some kind. So with Van Helsing, Sommers opens the film with an angry mob wielding pitchforks and torches. The first spoken dialogue: “It’s alive! ALIVE!” And finally, it’s shot in black and white.

Come on, folks, if you don’t know EXACTLY what kind of movie you are about to get, then just look at my review! And if you are still expecting some kind of significant “unlocking of the universe’s secret” when seeing Hugh Jackman go Victorian on some vampire’s ass, then you are expecting way too much from Van Helsing.

This movie does not disappoint. It delivers exactly what it promises: a monster mash! Dracula. The Wolfman. Frankenstein. Igor. This is a “Who’s Who” of movie monsters, and while a story featuring so many Hollywood heavy-hitters could come across being contrived, Sommers cleverly works it all out in a tight little story. Unlike Hellboy which had so many plot holes (or an easy-to-grasp plot for that matter) you could drive a battering ram through them, Van Helsing unfolds the plot layer by layer, before taking you on a massive roller coaster ride with everyone hanging on for dear life. This movie will make you jump, it will make you laugh, and if you’re not careful, it might put a lump in your throat.

But Sommers is being VERY HONEST as he does all this. Much in the same way Pirates of the Caribbean did not think itself anything other than a pirate movie based on a theme park ride, Van Helsing does not try to be anything else other than what it is at its core: a salute to monster movies. And not the over-the-top-gorefests like David Cronenberg’s The Fly, John Carpenter’s The Thing, or any Nightmare on Elm Street offering…Sommer’s homages are to the classics from Karloff, Chaney (Lon, not Dick), and Legosi. There are also some nostalgic salutes to the classic Hammer House Films that featured Price, Lee (Christopher, not Bruce), and Cushing. There is even a little nod to James Bond via the gadgets and Dracula coming across as a slick, stylized Goldfinger-esque villain. And while all this is going on, Sommers adds in dialog at the beginning of the film that clues you in…

Igor (to Dr. Frankenstein): Master…you have been so very good to me, you have been so very kind…(points to Dracula) but he pays me.

This is your clue that this movie should not be taken seriously.

Sommers does, however, take seriously the entire package of Van Helsing, making sure this movie looks good. And it does! Kate Beckinsdale in her corset is just a luscious cherry on top of cutting edge special effects, a solid soundtrack from Alan Silvestri, and terrific performances from the cast. I was thoroughly entertained for two-plus hours, and I got exactly what I expected with a few surprises added in for fun! Van Helsing blends nostalgia with steampunk, gets in a few modern SFX thrills, and does all this without trying to be cool…it just happens naturally.

Van Helsing is coming under a lot of fire from both critics and moviegoers that “it lacks originality” or “it’s a mindless mess of special effects.” These are people who are approaching this film as you would approach Kenneth Branagh’s Frankenstein or Francis Ford Coppola’s Dracula . Approach Van Helsing like that, and yes, you’ll be sorely disappointed. Approach Van Helsing as you would Kill Bill or Army of Darkness, and you’ll have a ball. Let Matrix: Reloaded/Revolutions and HULK try to be important, poignant, and meaningful…Van Helsing doesn’t try to be anything. It’s a monster movie…

…and it’s having a grand, ol’ time being one kick-ass monster movie!

http://www.asimplerway.com/tdp/reviews/VanHelsing.m3u