Troy

With testosterone thick in the air, we step back to the legends of Homer (*DOH!*) and the battle for Troy, a film of epically disasterous proportions.

RATING: 2 out of 5

How’s your Greek history? Spotty? Well, no need to worry about it…because Troy really centers around Achilles and how tough it is for him to be good looking, bulging in all the right places, and undefeated in battle.

Yeah, tough life.

Anyway, the battle for Troy lasted several years, but director Wolfgang Petersen and his scriptwriters had to cram it in just under three hours as Brad had to shoot Oceans’ 12, Orlando’s working on the sequel to Pirates of the Caribbean, and Peter O’Toole didn’t want to miss another Happy Hour at Ye Chessire Cheese Pub. So here’s the “story” in a nutshell…Helen (a really cute German named Diana Kruger) is queen of Sparta opposite of King Menelaus (a not-so-cute Irishman named Brendan Gleeson). Helen meets Paris (the oh-so-cute Englishman Orlando Bloom), gets crazy with this TROJAN MAN, and runs off with him. Paris’ big brother Hector (the-far-cuter-when-he’s-not-green Eric Bana) knows this is going to be bad for Troy, and he’s right. The Greeks cancel their Fall Rush and go to war, with Menalus’ brother Agamemnon (the hardly-cute-when-he’s-a-bad-guy Brian Cox) calling in his star player, Achilles (the so-cute-that-I-hate-him-intensely Brad Pitt). From here, the story is off and running…

…aimlessly for the longest three hours of battles, funerals, and dramatic pauses.

Allright, I’ll admit it: I was on the fence with Troy. I couldn’t tell from the trailers if this was going to be an incredible epic of Greek legend or a toga party gone bad. The opening is strong. Brian Cox’s Agamemnon is delightfully arrogant and Brad Pitt’s Achilles shows no humility or hesitation in his skill. But by the time we have our first “big battle” sequence (one of too many), I had to ask myself “When characters talk to one another in this movie, why is eye contact such a challenge?” and “When did looking off into the distance with a pensive expression become the sign of epic movie acting?” The point-of-no-return was the complete and total emasculation of Paris, having him crawl back to his big brother and holding on to his ankles. And if that wasn’t bad enough, Paris suddenly transforms himself from “uber-wuss” to “archer extraordinare” and starts taking out Greek invaders…with Elven efficiency.

Troy is trying really, really, really, really hard to be a historical epic with sweeping panoramic shots, larger-than-life heroes, and jaw-dropping action sequences. To its credit, the movie provides strong performances from Peter O’Toole (King Priam) and Sean Bean (Odysseus) and one incredible “mano y mano” fight between Hector and Achilles; and Brian Cox provided a few desperately needed laughs…although the biggest in the movie is in its ending credits when you see “Inspired by Homer’s The Illiad.” It is trying so hard to be an epic similar to Braveheart and The Last Samurai, that it comes across as empty, if not pretentious. Instead of being the next Gladiator, Troy comes across more like Cleopatra. If you have never seen Cleopatra, it is an over-the-top extravaganza with the biggest actors of its time all having individual moments of brilliance within a painfully long, poorly written film that wasn’t worth its price tag. Similar to Cleopatra, Troy gives no reason for you to like any of these characters. I knew Greeks were tragic…but pathetic? Somewhere, the film makers must have realized this as the Greek’s most powerful warrior, Achilles, is given a “soft side” halfway through the film, giving Brad yet more screen time. In fact, Achilles is given so much of Troy’s limelight, that Helen — the whole reason behind this war — gets lost in the shadows of the Greek’s giant wooden horse.

It could have been a beautiful, cinematic experience; but Troy ends up being nothing better than My Big, Fat, Greek Invasion.

http://www.asimplerway.com/tdp/reviews/Troy.m3u