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You know, films like Spiderman and Superman make me wonder why there aren’t more superhero movies. Of course, films like Daredevil and The Hulk make me wonder why some don’t just go straight to video. But then roles in the occasional rarity in the market, films like Catwoman.
The best way to enjoy Catwoman in the theater this summer is by buying the largest soft drink container they sell at the concession stand and slamming the entire contents before the title slides start. That way, you are likely to spend more time in the toilet than in your seat. Trust me. The view from the commode is better than in the theater.
I’m serious folks, this is the worst movie I’ve seen in years. I’d rather sit through a 24-hour movie marathon for Keanu Reeves than subject myself to this swill one more time. I was moments away from walking out, but didn’t think my wife and son would have appreciated the 20-mile hike home when I took the car.
I can’t do Joe’s normal Good, Bad, Ugly review, for it all fits in the latter category. Here’s a list of everything that sucked and why:
CG (Computer Graphics) ? Remember Roger Rabbit, the film from 1988? It was considered groundbreaking for its mixture of live-action and computer generated characters. In the past sixteen years, CG has gotten so good (See Spidey 2) that you don’t know where reality stops and the computer takes over. So Catwoman director Pitof (I’ll get to that later) must have searched high and low to find the most inexperienced and uninspiring CG programmers he could buy for eleven cents. They worked hard to make Halle more ?cat-like? as she leaped from building to building (yeah, my cat does that), but all they succeeded in doing was making her more ?crap-like?.
The Director ? I knew I was in trouble the minute the title slides showed the director’s name as ?Pitof?. That’s it. Pitof. Not Pitof Smith, or Pitov Kornoholio? just Pitof. Me thinks a pretentious fu** is about to slam something down my throat. Oh lookie? I’m right. Pitof-ful was a visual effects supervisor on a bunch of big-budget films. Makes me wonder why the effects were so crappy on this one, and also what the hell the studio was thinking in giving this moron the reigns. He must have nekkid pictures of the producers wife.
The Bad Guys - SPOILER AHEAD ? The bad guys all work for? are you ready? A COSMETICS COMPANY! The horror! Quick! Run for your lives! They’ve got cold cream! Jesus Christ in a chicken basket? give me a break. These paper goons inspire about as much fear as a riot at the Shriner’s convention. Yawn?
The script ? Sharon Stone is a damn fine actress. However, even her talent couldn’t pull off the shallow, third-grade dialog into anything of substance. And with a story line as predictable as waiting for the sun to rise, I found myself actually dozing off in parts.
Even the occasional glimpse of Halle Berry in tiger-ripped leather pants wasn’t enough to keep me entertained. Don’t go see it. Don’t rent it. Just pretend this never happened. You’ll be a better person for it. Trust me?
Rating Negative 90 billion out of 5
http://asimplerway.com/tdp/reviews/Catwoman.m3u
