The Paris Hilton Podcast: A Review

I chose to post this review under ?Movies? as the PH Podcast makes no false pretense in being a promotional vehicle for House of Wax, a remake of the Vincent Price classic with Elisa Cuthbert (from TV's 24) and Paris Hilton leading the cast, and because this is the closest thing to "other media" that we have outside of "books."

So hang we go...

Before I go into my review of Paris' debut foray into the podcasting arena, I want to say something in defense of Paris. I don't think Paris can't fend for herself or anything (One quick, easily hacked-and-posted-on-the-web phone call to mommy and daddy, and Paris has got the best legal minds in the business on her payroll?), but I do want to admit that I've been harsh when it comes to my opinion of Paris, and acknowledge that the deck is stacked against her no matter what she does. She's painted herself into a corner, if you think about it. When her homemade porn hit the net?a video, mind you, that made her famous?she did little to shy away from its press. In fact, she embraced it. Then came her reality TV show The Simple Life where Paris supposedly poked fun at herself, but it came across more as royalty humoring the masses. And just when you think Paris can't make more of a spectacle of herself, her portable Team Mobile Sidekick gets hacked and cell phone photos of her in various stages of undress and locking tongues with nameless bimbos in her posse, are posted all over the Internet. Still, even with issuing a stilted, emotionless public apology to her friends (who had to change their cell phone numbers) and to the public for a glimpse at what (or, more to the point, who) she does for fun, Paris continues to play the part of out-of-control rich heiress who cares for no one other than herself and whose company she keeps. This kind of lifestyle opens her up for scrutiny, and from the looks of the reviews on one reviewer in particular calling House of Wax ?...the 2nd best Paris Hilton film I've seen this year.? (Michael A. Smith, NOLAN'S POP CULTURE REVIEW)?it is evident that the critics are pouncing on Paris like great whites on chum.

Honestly, I have to wonder how Paris is dealing with this. Sure, she lives in an ivory tower, but all the sex, drugs, and rock-and-roll can't completely shield Paris from this press. The girl's got to have some kind of emotional reaction to all this, and I for one would love to hear it.

Then it was announced that Paris is doing her own podcast. I was impressed on several fronts. For one thing, I was impressed that Paris even knew what a podcast was. (It's good to be surrounded by handlers smarter than you!) Second, Paris (and her handlers) were intelligent and hip enough to realize they could reach a wide audience on the promotional front with a podcast. And finally, Paris was brave enough to agree to give us a glimpse into her world with a podcast. Maybe this would finally be the chance for the world to meet the real Paris. Maybe this was a moment for Paris to come clean on why she is the way she is. Maybe?just maybe?this would finally earn a break from a cold, judgmental world who looked on her disparagingly.

With a five-minute podcast, Paris did what she does best: she blew it.

The description of this podcast on Podcast Alley is as follows: Join Paris and friends as she shops, parties, poses and publicizes in the days leading up to the May 6 opening of House of Wax. Okay, maybe it's trivial...but who knows? Anything can happen in a podcast. then I noted the length of her initial podcast. Five minutes. I figured ?It's only five minutes. Not too bad for first time out. I can have a quick listen and now discuss it intelligently with other podcasters if it comes up.?

Never underestimate the power of five minutes. It offended me enough to write this 1000-plus word rant about it.

The opening jingle is goofy, trite, and appropriate for the brief look into Paris' simple indulgent life. And to Paris credit, it started off promising, then she manages to take a wrong turn in the first thirty seconds by stating ?I'm in the green room for the David Letterman show and it is?lame.? She proceeds to let everyone know how rough her week has been going from interview to interview, coast-to-coast, and how grueling?if not beneath her?promoting a film is.

When I'm not writing, I'm an actor. I'm here to dispel any myth that ?An actor's life is rough.? Okay, the loss of privacy?yeah, that's a huge one to stomach. But these ?grueling days on the sets? and ?having interviews? is not that taxing as say waiting tables, cleaning toilets, and hauling bags of peat moss from a truck to a non-descript part of a set. Trust me, acting?once you hit a series or stardom level?is a pleasure cruise compared to other part-time jobs you hold to pay the bills. Listening to Paris Hilton whine about it made me realize all the things I felt bad for her about were not only well-deserved but welcomed with open arms, naked breasts, and erect nipples awaiting.

But what makes this poor little rich girl and her podcast truly despicable is the final two minutes of the podcast?which is nothing more than the sounds of screaming fans all wanting her autograph and picture. This podcast isn't a swim in ?Lake Paris? but more like the ?Paris Tsunami? that completely overwhelms you in its unabashed attitude of ?See, I'm so special!?

I realize now the reason why the podcast itself is less than three minutes (provided you take out the PH jingle and the two minutes of moronic adoring fans): You can only keep a child's attention for so long until they are distracted by something else.

This podcast is a cry for help: a desperate, pathetic plea from Paris to love her, celebrate her amazing talents, and think she's all that and a bag of chips. I wish she could have surprised me in my expectation of her podcast and I felt compelled to take back everything I said about Poor Bitchy Rich. Sad to say, the heiress didn't surprise me in any way, shape or form...

It's true. Money can't buy you everything. Not even a personality.


  1. Dragonslayer says

    What is sad about Paris Hilton is not Paris Hilton. What is sad about Paris Hilton is that we have made her what she is today. There are thousands of brilliant people out there in science, the arts, politics etc. who do amazing things every single day but we have chosen with the money we spend and the things we write to focus on a non-event like Paris. Well?we asked for and now we have it. Brilliant isn't it? But hey! The funny thing is that if you love her then she gives you somebody to admire. If you hate her then she gives you an opportunity to show your intellectual superiority, to burn her on a stake of sarcasm or whatever satisfies your deep desires. It gives you (for example) an opportunity to listen to some non-event podcast you deep down know ahead of time is going to be a fluff of air and then write a review about it demonstrating your sarcastic wit. No wonder she is so popular! She truly gives something to everybody doesn't she? If you truly want Paris Hilton to go away and for somebody more substantial to take her place then here is how you do it: stop reviewing whatever she produces (including podcasts), stop buying what she produces, stop talking about her, stop writing about her and start spending your time and money on somebody more deserving.

  2. Tee Morris says

    Well...hmmm...a reviewer's review gets reviewed. Okay, guess I asked for it. ;^)

    And you know, Dragonslayer, you have a valid point. It would be a better world if we didn't give Paris and her ilk so much attention.

    Maybe I was hoping to be surprised, you know? And that was the source of this rant. Well then, I pledge--here and now--to not mention Paris on this board again...

    ...until the next time she pisses me off. :^p *L*

  3. Tee Morris says

    Postscript to my Post...

    Check out Area 51's Show #13. The Cornholes & Buggerman moment gave me a moment's validation!

    "What's content..and how much does it cost?" *ROTFL*

  4. I didn't know Paris put out a science fiction podcast. 🙂