SpiderBabe

It’s a typical Friday night for me. I’m at Mike’s house. It’s midnight, and Mike and his wife have been in bed for at least three hours. For those of you keeping score, that means Michael does all his drinking during the day.

I’m not going to sleep for another hour or two. I’m sitting in the living room, about fifteen feet away from a massive library of the best modern science fiction donated to us by generous writers, many of whom want us to read their stuff and interview them on our show.

I’m watching late night cable TV.

For some reason, Dinner for Five wasn’t on, and I find myself watching a movie on Cinemax. You know the kind I’m talking about. Yes, you do, and don’t pretend you don’t watch now and then. Now, normally, I would watch about ten minutes or so of a flick like this, until the bad acting and horrible dialogue would finally be more than I can bear. But I end up watching it all the way to the end, and the whole time I’m thinking, “God, this would be a riot to review for the Dragon Page.” Why? Because it’s a T&A spoof of Spiderman.

By dawn’s morning light, I completely forgot about it, but by later that afternoon, I remembered again.

Torn between the idea that it would be fun and funny to write a review for a movie like this, and that it would be dumb to write a review for a movie like this, I decided to let fate decide. I sent a letter to Seduction Cinema and asked for a review copy of the DVD, SpiderBabe. If they didn’t send it, no harm no foul. If they did send it, who am I to argue with fate?

And here you are, reading this review instead of R.A. Salvatore’s newest Dark Elf novel.

Patricia Porker is your everyday, demure, mild-mannered college freshman until she gets bitten by a genetically engineered, radioactive spider. When she wakes up the next day, she is imbued with superhuman powers, a new look, and a sexual gluttany that, thankfully for us, she has no qualms about feeding, and feeding, and feeding. After a burglar kills her Uncle Flem, a burglar she could have stopped, she vows to use her powers to help mankind, and get the man of her dreams. Her adventures lead her into a face to face battle with Femtilian, a super-villain created by a military-funded secret experiment gone wrong. Who will win in the end?

Man, this idea could so be made into a big budget feature.

So what does this movie have that puts it above your average sexploitation romp? Two things. First is the star, Misty Mundae, who I fell in love with immediately. And apparently, so has everyone else, as she is in practically every Seduction Cinema movie made now. Non-enhanced, non-sunbeded, pretty in an Amber Benson, not Pamela Anderson kind of way, she stole my heart. Sorry, Mur, we both knew it couldn’t last.

And second, this film is actually funny. The jokes are puerile, to be sure, but I actually laughed hard, out loud, several times, at things that were intentionally funny. And the acting is actually watchable. Once or twice I asked myself, “Did I just witness… comic timing?” What more can you want out of a movie like this?

Oh, yeah, I remember. The DVD set comes with an R-rated and Unrated Version, and the Unrated Version has fourteen other great reasons to watch Spiderbabe, and they’ve all got nipples. Nipples. Nipples, nipples, nipples. Nipples that are desperate to see the light of day. Nipples that manage to collect themselves into groups of four and six. Nipples that are friendly, and want to shake hands with other peoples’ nipples. This movie is genius.

And for people who like DVD extras, like me, you won’t be disappointed. Both versions of the film have several good, and different, extras. For a B-movie, this flick was pretty elaborate, with green screen fighting, exterior filming in New York, and an explosion or two. You can find behind the scenes segments on costuming, special effects, rehersals, and fight training. Seriously.

So, we have come to an end of this review. If you think this was inappropriate, as this wasn’t actually a science fiction film, I have two things to say. One, if Tee Morris can review Paris Hilton’s podcast, I can review whatever the hell I want. I’m just saying. And, two, you haven’t seen where SpiderBabe’s web shoots out from.

Rating: 3 out of 5   (higher rating than Episode III!)

SpiderBabe
Studio: Seduction Cinema; 2003
Genre: Soft-core lesbian spoof of major sci-fi feature
Official Webpage: Seduction Cinema