A few weeks ago, Evo's family introduced me to a wonderful card game called Grave Robbers from Outer Space. The idea behind the game is to recreate a cheesy, low-budget horror film, collecting points for yourself in the process, while attacking your opponents' films, reducing their points.

The cards you use bring out all of the bad horror movie clich? Let's split up; Boobies, boobies, boobies; brainy/nerdy high school chicks, etc.

There were two great things about playing the game that night. First of all, the game is just fun as hell. But even better than that, I made Evo's thirteen year old son cry like a little girl. I'm serious, CRY, with sniffling and lip-quivering and everything.

So, why am I writing about a card game I played weeks back when I should be informing you about the latest novel sitting on top of my all-to-high reading stack?

Well, other than to relive my crushing the spirit of a high school freshman, I discovered something that night.

When you use cheesy horror tropes to make a card game that spoofs horror stories, you get a fun and exciting game, when you use cheesy horror tropes to make a paperback novel that seriously attempts to be scary, you get a shitty paperback novel, like Scream Queen.

The Gist: Jody Watts wants to be a star. What young California girl doesn't? So she auditions for a new reality show in which she and several other housemates are locked up in a ?haunted house? on Halloween night. The house is rigged with all kinds of booby traps and special effects designed to scare the daylights out of the contestants. The last contestant to stay in the house by morning, wins.

Too bad for Jody and the other housemates? THE HOUSE Is REALLY HAUNTED!!! Oh, No!!!

By the end of the night, everybody dies! Oh, wait! There's Jody, she made it! Oh, no, wait, she dies, too! Damn, I thought she was going to make it! Damn!

There, I gave away the ending. Live with it. It's not like you're going to buy the damn thing anyway.

Hand to god, someone wrote this as a novel. I can only imagine that the author was hoping that a desperate movie producer would read the script, and purchase the movie rights, cause I can't figure any other reason for this book to be written.

Cards from Grave Robbers from Outer Space used in the film include:

The Haunted House
Boobies, Boobies, Boobies
Let's Split Up
The Brainy/Nerdy Girl
The Slutty Girl
I'll be right back
If only we can make it to dawn

(Ok, only some of these are real cards, some I'm making up, but you get the idea.)

I've tried to create a reputation in my reviews as tough but fair. I try not to simply say something ?sucks? or ?it's great.? I try to go deeper than that. I figure it's only fair to the authors. But in this case, there is no deeper. This book just sucks.

I think the appeal to these lame horror flicks is in part because when people watch them, they are playing Grave Robbers from Outer Space. They are smiling at the poor acting. They are laughing at the ketchup as blood. And high school boobies are always fun. Written up as a novel, these same elements that come off as cheesy and fun in a movie simply come off as unimaginative hackery.

Rating: 1 out of 5

Scream Queen by Edo Van Belkom
Published by: Pinnacle Books; April 1, 2003
ISBN: 0786015624
Genre: Horror
Author's Webpage: www.vanbelkom.com

Buy Grave Robbers From Outer Space online. Trust me, it's money well spent.   [Read more...]

Do you hear that sound? That is the sound of a thousand Sacred Cows of Fantasy being tipped in the night.

Let me share a piece of wisdom I've picked up being the reviewer for the Dragon Page. You simply cannot go wrong reading anything Tee Morris writes. You won't find a better blend of action, humor, suspense, and romance anywhere else.   [Read more...]

Of all the forms of speculative fiction (i.e. science fiction, hard science fiction, space opera, space western, fantasy, dark fantasy, horror, time travel, magical realism, fairy tales, mythology, Authurian legend, chick fantasy, romantic horror, action/adventure fantasy, etc.), horror is easily my least favorite genre. I know all the monsters and demons are supposed to be evil incarnate, but I always find myself wondering why they have to be so mean, you know?

Also, I'm not a big poetry fan. I mean, shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Um... you're hot and sweaty and full of mosquitoes. Whose woods these are I don't think I know. I've seen lots of things more lovely than a tree. Stop with all the pretty words, just gimme the story.

So what do I get in the mail to review for the Dragon Page this week? I get a CD of horror poetry to review for chrissakes! Horror poetry!! And if you've ever read one of my reviews before then you knew by the second sentence that I'm going to give this CD a big thumbs up.

Twisted Rhymes, by Bob Harper, is a collection of ten horror stories told in rhyme. Each piece is performed to sound effects and music designed to compliment the narration.

I think one of the reasons I like these stories is that they are not so much scary or hateful as they are creepy. Mr. Harper is a good story teller, using rhythm and repetition to build the tension. Some of the stories, like Royal Blood, & And Nothing More, are more than a little influenced by Poe. They're mood pieces. Almost like appetizers for bigger and better things to come.

While the background sounds are used to great effect, I did wonder whether some of the stories wouldn't have been even more eerie if the background effects were removed, and all you heard was the narrator's voice. I imagined what it would be like to use the poems as a basis for a Halloween game in which the pieces are recited by individuals or groups trying to come up with the scariest performances. Dim the lights, ignite the candles, and tell the rhyming ghost stories.

Some of the stories were certainly better than others, but isn't that always the case? From the first few lines of track one, to the end of track ten, I wore a smile that never left my face. Can't ask for more than that.

Rating: 4 out of 5

Twisted Rhymes by Bob Harper
Published by: BHP Productions
Genre: Horror
Author's Webpage: www.horrorsound.com   [Read more...]